Dreadful thoughts!

In a very blogging mood, so i've decided to post loads today.

You always see in movies about each person having some kind of DEMON. Oooooo....what's that? A demon? Is it something you're really afraid of-like something literal or something that has not happened to you and you are very afraid it will someday, or some kind of terrible past that you cannot bring yourself to dig up agian, or some dirty perverted thought you always think about but hate yourself for thinking it because it's just ...not normal!

Demon is prabably just some word to sum up all those terrible things, it just puts it into a character, a person, like rolled into a ball so you could hate it even more, and it's easier to target, rather than hating and dreading so many things all over fucking the place.

For me i find that whenever i do have a so called low or downer period, one dreadful visual always goes through my head. It's almost as if i've subconsciously associated this visual with every feeling that is dread, misery, hatred, but actually most particularly dread. It's of that fucking long haired, unnatural moving, terrible sounding chick from the ring. Her voice like "ahhhhhh" I know it must be cliche, but man, everynight before i fall asleep, i would lay my head on the pillow, then i would sort of lean up a little and look around my room, to make sure she isn't here, lurking in the dark with me, sitting watching me, or crawling towards me. I sometimes check my closet for that freaky looking kid from the grudge. It's like she is the ball of every dreadful emotion i've ever had. She isn't even fucking real, but she only exists in my mind. I pray my eyes will never play tricks on me and make me actually SEE her. I think i'd have a heart attack.

But some days, or nights, you feel so much lower then your usual downer period that it scarrily exceeds that. Maybe it's hormones, or that time of the fucking month or what not, that i' ve been feeling particularly low these few days. Last night, i had trouble sleeping and as usual i looked up from my pillow to see if she was there, and funnily enough at that point i just didn't care. God, who the fuck cares? Its like, if she was there then at least it'd mean i can SEE my feeling of dread, i can actually externalise it somehow, and man that'd be better then keeping it in that small brain of mine. At least i can face what i feel, and that'd feel good. At least i'd not be alone in it, even if it was her, at least well she'd just be the same as me- a ball of dread and misery. At least then, the weight would be off, and the feeling can at least be converted to fear, which is better then whatever mood i was feeling at the time.

But of course, i'm not QUIET nuts enough to see her, so i got the unfortunate choice of just lying in bed thinking about it. Visualising my emotion in my head. Ahh.....i must be going insane. I thought of her; some ugly diamantled rabbit face; my big metal sewing scissors; and this strange curious visual of what it'd be like to run my brother's sharp stencil scalple along the bottom of your eyes, almost as if you're putting eyeliner on. I didn't want to do it of course and the thought made me shiver, but i just kept imagining it. Ouch! That would fucking hurt!

So i slept on and off, with all these visuals bouncing back and forth between the four walls of my room, me trapped in the same box! When i did sleep i slept sound, and when i didn't i would bolt right awake. I really really hope this shitty mood will blow over soon.